My SELF

This is a post long due on my blog. I haven't written anything on this blog since a long time. To give an excuse, most of the people leave writing posts on their blogs after three months of starting their blogs. One can call it the fatigue factor. Initially, it's the euphoria of starting a new thing but later on, one has to have a very strong reason for writing. To some people, the instinct might come from within but to a rather mute person like me, It sometimes feels more of an effort.

A blog is a manifestation of a person's self expressed in words. Whenever we want to look at us in retrospect, we want to look at ourselves as perfect. Therefore, most of us don't like our photographs because most of us aren't photogenic. Similarly, Writing a blog is an easy thing but when over a period of time when your pieces of writing get build up, Many a times you come up with pieces that weren't written with fullest sincerity. And in my case, it makes me feel Bad. So, In a way, I've accepted this fact that I do not live my life with sincerity but do not like that that I'm imperfect.

Most of bloggers who write continuously usually have something to write about. But subject usually fail me. What should i write about. Germany? Regarding what.. The people here? the contrasts with India? Economy and Infrastructure, etc etc. I'll tell all about it to anyone who's interested in asking about any of these, but write it on blog.. It's strange that i'm not able to conjure up a coherent story.

In fact, I just lack every trace of coherency in my life. I do not know my life's goals. Currently i'm reading Milan Kundera's "The Unbearable Lightness of being". Kundera speaks about life as a unique event which has never occurred before. Nobody knows the future and the fear of the unknown is constant companion to everyone because what happens tomorrow has never happened before. Therefore, not knowing my life's goals should be the only possible option before me. That i do not know my future is the only reason i look forward to the future. If i were to know everything about my future, life would just be too boring. Perhaps, Understanding this truth helped me in ridding myself of frustration for few moments but still it didn't charged me in any way towards the way i do my office work or conduct my everyday relations.

So, Being a self-proclaimed amateur Economist, I can clearly say that I do not have an incentive in my life. The incentives that i have right now such as earning money to achieve short-term gratification don't propel me to change my attitudes towards life. But simply speaking, I've come to feel that i've a problem with the conventional incentives. In fact, I usually find other people strange who do things with their full zeal. I feel very grateful to people who help me, care for me and love me and I find myself reciprocating such things without doing any personal efforts. But to other things where the reciprocation is done by money or a higher authority order, I find it extremely turn off. So, clearly The incentives in my case aren't the usual incentives such as money, promotion or anything else but they are People, My personal attachments with them, time spent together and mutual understanding. But I also understand that most of people i know seem to do things as if they really want to do what they're doing. Or at least, their dedication, sincerity and zeal makes me feel so. I just want to understand that whether i'm an exception in this world of Perfect humans or whether i'm the norm and everybody is wearing a false face? If i were to ask my friends, they'll just ignore my question and say "Well.. nobody knows. Why don't you just continue with life and at least enjoy it in a better fashion by fighting for usual incentives." Perhaps.. Perhaps..

In a world of Perfects, i'm the one with the clown face. In the world of faces, I'll show everyone my true self coz nobody will believe it. Such would be my fate. Amen.